# LITTLEJOHN: The Russians are coming and thanks to Burnham we're doomed

**By:** Richard Littlejohn  
**Published:** 2026-09-11T01:00:49+0100  
**Source:** [Daily Mail](https://www.dailymail.com/columnists/article-16121613/RICHARD-LITTLEJOHN-Russians-coming-Burnham-doomed.html?ico=authors_pagination_mobile)

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RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: The Russians are coming, and thanks to Burnham we're all doomed!
As the ‘welfare versus warfare’ spending row rumbles on, it has been revealed that the Government is planning to mobilise 95,000 veterans to counter the threat from Russia. Putin must be shaking in his Gucci loafers.
The Prime Minister admitted in the Commons this week that national security ‘can’t come at the expense of social security’ and refused to commit even three per cent of GDP to defence by the end of the decade.
With military chiefs warning that we could be at war with Russia in 2030, by then it could be too late.
The regular Army has shrunk to its lowest level since the Napoleonic Wars, so Dad’s Army will be expected to make up the shortfall.
Retired servicemen and women, aged up to 65, are being conscripted to take part in war games and training exercises. That’s if anyone can find them.
The Ministry of Defence is supposed to keep contact with former soldiers, sailors and airmen for six years after they leave full-time service.
But Lord (George) Robertson, former Labour Defence Secretary and Nato General Secretary, who is conducting the long-delayed strategic defence review, admits that officials have ‘lost track of veterans on the recall list’. The Government’s best hope is to ‘round up those who are available and fit and willing’.
Yet at the same time, ministers are slashing the minimum number of tax-free paid training days for reservists to save money.
   
 
 The Prime Minister admitted in the Commons this week that national security ‘can’t come at the expense of social security’, writes Richard Littlejohn

   
 
 
Andy Pandy is obviously determined to do defence on the cheap, even if that imperils the safety of the nation. He’d rather spend taxpayers’ hard-earned on buying bigger televisions for layabouts, and lavishing benefits on those with pretend illnesses, than recruit military personnel and equip them properly.
One of his other commitments is to clear the streets of rough sleepers by Christmas. Given that many of these unfortunates are ex-squaddies fallen on hard times, perhaps part of his masterplan is to sweep them up and put them back into uniform.
There’s another problem, too, which Labour probably hasn’t considered. Why should vets rally round the flag again when so many of their brothers-in-arms are still being pursued vindictively through the courts for alleged ‘war crimes’ committed decades ago – especially in Northern Ireland?
Never mind ‘welfare versus warfare’, what about the lawfare being waged on those who have served their country with courage and distinction?
As Colonel Hamish de Bretton-Gordon, himself a reservist, wrote in The Daily Telegraph this week, veterans would be prepared to return to the ranks but they will not ‘tolerate the continuing culture of legal and bureaucratic harassment that has become such a corrosive issue for many who served this country. If you want us back, treat us with respect’.
So unless Labour raises its game, if and when World War Three breaks out, the defence of the realm may fall on a volunteer army of those available and willing, to quote George Robertson, just as it did in 1940.
To imagine how that might work out today, it’s time to pay one of this column’s occasional visits to Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard . . .
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Fall the men in, Wilson.
SERGEANT WILSON: Would you chaps mind awfully lining up over there?
MAINWARING: Oh, do get on with it, Wilson. Don’t you know there’s a war on?
WILSON: Are you sure, sir? I knew there was a bit of a flap on in Ukraine, but . . .
MAINWARING: Don’t you pay any attention to TikTok, Wilson? The Prime Minister has just announced that we’re at war with Russia.
WILSON: Tik what, sir?
MAINWARING: Oh, never mind. Putin’s barbarians are sweeping across Europe. We’re on the front line again. Do we have a full platoon tonight?
WILSON: No sign of Jonesey yet, I’m afraid. He hasn’t been himself since he was forced to sell his shop to a halal butcher.
(Enter a flustered Corporal Jones)
JONES: The Russians are coming, Mr Mainwaring! The Russians are coming! Don’t panic!
MAINWARING: Do calm down, Jones. They’re not here yet. They’re still sweeping across the Low Countries.
JONES: But I’ve just seen them, boatloads of them, landing on the beach next to the winter gardens.
WILSON: That’s not the Russians, Jonesy, just the Border Force and RNLI bringing ashore another few hundred illegal immigrants.
MAINWARING: Now then, men. We must be prepared for a seaborne invasion, but the first wave of attack is expected to come from the air, via a fleet of unmanned drones. Or, at least, that’s what Warden Hodges tells me.
JONES: Never mind, sir, our brave boys in the Royal Air Force will intercept them, just like during the Battle of Britain.
MAINWARING: Not that simple, I’m afraid. RAF Walmington is now non-operational. It’s been turned into a camp for 1,500 undocumented migrants. You must have seen them hanging round the vape shop where the bank used to be, smoking and drinking and wolf-whistling at Mrs Fox and Mrs Pike.
PRIVATE FRAZER: We’re doomed. We’re all doomed!
   
 
 The cast of Dad's Army, featuring Clive Dunn, Ian Lavender, Arthur Lowe, John Le Mesurier, John Laurie and Arnold Ridley

MAINWARING: I’ll have none of that defeatist talk, Frazer. We’ll just have to take the initiative and shoot the drones out of the sky ourselves.
WILSON: With what, sir? The Government has confiscated most of the weapons in private hands. They’re even trying to ban gamekeepers from shooting pheasants.
RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Cops know who this parcel thief is and where he lives. Why won't they nick him? 

PRIVATE WALKER: Now, I might just be able to help you out there, Mr Mainwaring. I know where I can lay my hands on a consignment of Purdeys the Old Bill don’t know about. The barrels have been sawn off, but . . .
PRIVATE PIKE: Can I have one, please, Mr Mainwaring? Or, better still, two, like Vinnie Jones in Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels. I saw it at the Ritzy on the High Street before they turned it into a mosque.
MAINWARING: Stupid boy.
JONES: We could always tape some of my old butcher’s knives to some broom handles. They don’t like it up ’em, them Russkies.
WILSON: Surely the Government must have some rifles in the stores.
MAINWARING: Sadly not, Wilson. The PM would rather spend billions on social security than national security.
WILSON: At this rate we’re going to be reduced to shouting ‘Bang-two-three’, just like in 1940.
MAINWARING: Now pay attention, men. I’ve just had an alert on TikTok. Apparently, there’s been a Russian nuclear submarine spotted offshore.
WALKER: Where’s the Navy when you need them?
MAINWARING: From what I can gather, all our aircraft carriers are in dry dock, and HMS Drag Queen has broken down again in the Med. Man the pedaloes, men!
JONES: Don’t panic!
FRAZER: We’re all doomed!